I just read a book that I loved: The Anatomy of Peace, by the Arbinger Institute. I’m struck by the synchronicity of this book being released now as the battles between Israel and Palestine again heat up – you’ll see why in a moment.

It’s an easy read about a way of thinking and seeing the world that can – in their words create hearts at peace instead of hearts at war. It’s particularly relevant now as conflict is so widespread, in the Middle East and beyond, and affects so many of us in our daily lives (home, work, family). It’s a story about some parents who are struggling with their children’s’ problematic behaviors. They take their kids to a wilderness survival program, and then find out a lot about themselves. Two men direct the camp – one an Arab, one a Jew - each of whom lost their fathers at the hands of the other’s ethnic family.

These two men found a way to get ‘out of the box’, out of the filtered thinking sees the world as conflictual, and now they teach the families that come to them how to get out of their own boxes, how to create peace in their hearts and in their families. The method is simple, and they explain it in easy to understand ways. We don’t have space here to go into detail – and I encourage you to pick up the book (you won’t put it down until you’re finished) – yet I will give a glimpse as to how it works.

The title of the Arbinger Institute’s first book, Leadership and Self-Deception, gives a clue as to how we ‘get out of the box.’ The first and most essential step is to realize we’re in one. Most of us are so conditioned toward hearts at war we don’t realize when we’re in the box.

A heart at war sounds extreme, yet it can be as subtle as being annoyed, treating other people as objects (to help us get what we want), thinking ourselves better – or worse – than others. An alarming truth, though, is that these, and many other, subtle ways of having a heart at war, invites conflict into our lives. It increases.

When I drive my motorbike around Ubud, it’s easy for me to become annoyed with how people drive. This one’s going to slow, this one’s parked in an inconsiderate way, this one didn’t look before he turned in front of me… While all those observations may be true, my annoyance is an indication to me that I’m seeing them as objects rather than people – in those moments I am seeing them as obstructions, things in my way. My annoyance is an alarm bell that I’m in the box. 

We all want peace. We all want to be happy. Most of us, though, not only haven’t learned how to be peaceful, we’ve been taught quite the opposite. Yet the revolution is alive. 

You might like to pick up The Anatomy of Peace. And you can get started on its teachings now by simply noticing when you’re in the box. Because our lives are made up of many different experiences, most likely we’re in the box in some of them and out of the box in some of them. That helps us notice when we’re in. We might be seeing one person or situation differently than others.

When we realize some aspect of our heart is at war, we can begin getting out of the box by tuning into what it’s like being out of the box. A memory, another current situation where our heart is at peace, a place or activity that helps us feel at peace. Then - from that perspective - we can reconsider the in-the-box scenario and see new possibilities.

The final key – and the key to staying out of the box – is to act upon what we discover. Do what we feel inside is right. Often times we get into the box by not following our own feeling of what we should do, what our intuition tells us to do, which then leads us to justify situations (more on this in the book).

Driving has become an insightful and liberating practice for me lately. I’m amazed at how many opportunities I find to realize I’m in the box, and then to shift my perspective, upgrading annoyance to acceptance and understanding. May we all (I start with myself) – in the words Gandhi – be the change we want to see in the world. May we see the sky sparkling with diamonds.